Triggered to Treasured, turning relational challenges into gold.

Relationships are where we come to heal. They hold a mirror to our deepest wounds, often reflecting the unresolved patterns from our past. In my latest podcast episode of Triggered to Treasured, I sat down with my long-time friend and relationship therapist, Tracy Lynch, to explore what it really takes to move through the hardest phases of love and arrive at deep, lasting connection.

The Three Stages of Love

One relationship model suggests that love unfolds in three stages:

1. The Honeymoon Phase – That intoxicating period of passion, excitement, and effortless connection.

2. The Power Struggle – When our unhealed wounds from childhood surface, and our partner becomes the mirror to our past pain.

3. Deep, Lasting Love – The place we all long for, but few know how to reach. It requires working through the struggle, holding space for healing, and allowing love to blossom instead of letting our wounds dictate our reactions.

The power struggle is where most relationships fall apart. It's also where the most profound healing can happen, if both people are willing to do the work. And the third stage is the reward for working through it together.

The Four Horsemen: Relationship Breakdown in Action

Tracy shared insights from the Gottman Method, particularly the concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the destructive communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown:

• Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the issue.

• Defensiveness – Shutting down, making excuses, or blaming in response to conflict.

• Contempt – Speaking with sarcasm, disgust, or disrespect, one of the strongest predictors of separation.

• Stonewalling – Withdrawing, going silent, and shutting down instead of engaging.

When these patterns become entrenched, couples struggle to advocate for themselves and the relationship. They become stuck in cycles of reactivity rather than responsiveness, unable to see their partner as an ally in healing.

Taking Radical Self-Responsibility in Love

Here’s where my take on things comes in: I believe that relationships are a powerful vehicle for self-discovery. They expose the parts of us that are still seeking validation, safety, and love. When our partner triggers us, it's often not about them, it’s about the unprocessed emotions tied to our family of origin.

If we can slow down, acknowledge the old wounds surfacing, and recognise our partner as a separate, loving individual rather than a projection of our past, we have a chance to move through the struggle instead of repeating it. This is the work of stepping into our adult self, the one who can hold space for both our inner child and our partner’s wounds.

Not Every Relationship is Meant to Last—And That’s Okay

One of the biggest insights from my conversation with Tracy is that the goal isn’t just to keep couples together. It’s about giving people the tools to heal, communicate, and discern whether they are truly aligned for the long haul. Sometimes, the deepest act of love is realising that a relationship has served its purpose and letting it go.

With separation rates higher than ever, it’s clear that we need a different approach to loved one that prioritises awareness, self-responsibility, and conscious choice.

If you’re in the thick of relationship struggles, I invite you to listen to my conversation with Tracy. We break down the real work of relationships, the work that transforms triggers into treasures and paves the way for deep, enduring love.

You can listen to the podcast here:

Apple

Spotify

I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights from this conversation.